Shopping and connected trauma

Just decided this would be a valid post. Today I went shopping. Now, it's known that it's not a 'guy thing', but for me, shopping always sucks when it's for myself. For some reason, I always feel guilty and get major buyer's remorse when I buy anything. Today, a mall I like had its only store-wide clearance day, so I was excited. Turned out to be more promotional propaganda than actual deals, but I did get some great stuff. For example, 3 cool t-shirts for about $16 total. 2 involve music and the other is just cool looking. Many of my clothes are from high school or beginning of college and I'm tired of wearing them, yet they are 'intact' and I feel like I shouldn't get rid of them. I wanted a 4th shirt, but already felt like I went overboard on the 3. I also got some shampoo and conditioner, as anything sold in regular stores never works for me. Both are things I need, but I considered putting them back as I was going to pay...this happens a ton...I get something I want, head to the register, and put the thing back as panic sets in.
I then went and got a 1/2 off pillow since I can't sleep at night EVER and $20 shoes that look really cool--sporty ones that are navy with lime green accents. Of course, getting the dough out of the wallet made me think, 'do I REALLY need these or can i live without?' What is my problem?
I haven't gotten a CD in a LONG time it seems and I feel like I don't get much for me. I'm always thinking of my car, which has its issues, my HUGE loan debt, and the fact that I work at a frustrating job for no money and end up wearing shoes 3 years before I get new ones, using sheets until they are faded or worn, wearing shirts that have dulled and make me wonder if people are going, "how long HAS he had that shirt, anyway?" I hate vanity and I care about others who aren't fortunate, making me even feel guilty for bitching right now. So much of what I get I return for a cheaper version or get money and be 'responsible', paying bills.
Well, these are my thoughts, let me know yours.
Stephen

PS-I can't enter the poetry thing, cuz I haven't been published in a 'big enough' source...screw that idea I guess.

Song of the Day: "Sing" by Travis.

say what?

You Are Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

You are kind, popular, and generous. You tend to be successful at anything you try. A social butterfly, you are great at entertaining a crowd. You are most compatible with strawberry ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

I don't even eat chocolate chip ice cream...too boring!

You Are Mexican Food

Spicy yet dependable. You pull punches, but people still love you.

What Kind of Food Are You?

Ay carumba!

You Should Spend Your Summer at the Beach

You're a free spirit who is always thinking of new ways to have fun. And you don't just love summer... you live for it. So, you really should blow off your responsibilities and head to the beach!

Where Should You Spend Your Summer?

Well, it's decided where I should vacation...

quizzes

You Are Grass Green

Down to earth and a bit of a hippie, you are very into nature and the outdoors. You accept the world and people as they are. You don't try to change things. You are also very comfortable with yourself, flaws and all. Optimistic about the future, you feel like life is always getting better.

What Color Green Are You?

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

What Time Of Day Are You?

You Are 37% Vain

Okay, so you're slightly vain from time to time, but you're not superficial at all. You are realistic. You know that looks matter. You just try to make them matter less.

How Vain Are You?

time to journal...i guess

Well, June is here and I desperately need a vacation. Not just time off or a day thing somewhere, but a full-on vacation. I worked over spring break and even my Christmas break was anything but a break, as I had to help take care of my grandma, so I REALLY need an escape. I don't get paid near enough for what I do at work and that doesn't help things in any way. I'm trying to come up with ideas for a trip. Maybe alone, maybe not...not sure yet. I think I'm going to get a park sticker to go to nearby lakes for mini-escapes to do some writing throughout the summer. I know we're going to IA in July, but that's in some ways a "we always do this" kinda thing.
I've noticed something about myself lately. I'm having anger in ways I haven't before--at least not in any sort of recent history. I'm getting intensely angry about things and holding on to that anger, despite how much I hate it. I'm typically so easy going and kind so it's a total change for me and I hope it's temporary. I shock myself at how big it can get lately. I feel every cell ready to burst and I just want to scream or something.
My yard is looking swell. The peonies bloomed, as did the irises, pink roses, and dianthus ('pinks'). My yuccas, sunsprite rose, love rose, and daylilies are just on the verge of blooming and the mums and tiger lilies like to hold out until the latter part of summer. Feeding the birds, filling their bath, doing yard work, watering the flowers, etc helps me to relax. Even mowing can be therapeutic at times. I'm definately an outdoors guy when it comes to getting in touch with me and with my 'center'. Except today, when a snake sped across my path and went up the water spout on the gutter...creepy bastard.
A publishing company in NE is putting together a book of Nebraska poetry and I'm going to submit my work if I'm eligible. The editor has not responded to my questions yet and the stuff is due in July, so I'm getting torked. It would mean so much to have my stuff in a hardback book of my state's poets...called something like "Poetry of the Plains" or something. Since the US poet laureate is from NE, it would be an ideal time to get my work out there and share in this time.
Basically, I have tons to say, but not sure how to say it all. Maybe I'll update more...who knows. Just contemplating so much lately and I think it's the lack of resolution of many of the questions/issues that is making me stressed.

Laterz,
SB

Song of the Day: "Scream" by Peace of Mind. I never heard this until literally right now...I typed Song of the Day and this came on Launchcast and fits the blog...strangeness y'all...